Heartbeat
by rockcliffchic81
Summary: A look at Sara Sidle's past & present. Un-beta at the moment. This was originally written in early 2011.
1. Chapter 1

Nick and Sara had drawn the short stick again. Sara was sure someone or something was against them getting the good jobs. That's the only reason she could find to explain why she was currently standing in the middle of nowhere at roughly two in the morning. They couldn't even locate the crime scene. Not that Sara really expected them to. Nick had commented on the drive that it was probably a trick call. Or it was Grissom's way of getting them to talk and work out some problem the others believed they had. As far as Sara could figure the only problem her and Nick had was keeping their relationship separate from work these days. Maybe that's why everyone else thought they had a problem with each other. Sara was sure the fact that she refuses to be alone in any room of the lab with Nick wasn't helping the rumor mill none. It was better this way less likely to be caught doing something that should definitely not be done at work.

They had almost been caught early on in the relationship. They were in the locker room near the end of shift and Greg had chosen just the right moment to announce, loudly, his impending entrance. Well actually Sara was convince by how Greg landed on the floor he really had no intention of entering the room but with Greg she couldn't be sure. They were lucky that day and that's when they decided to keep it out of work.

Although Nick's hinted that Warrick knows something's different between the pair he's never said anything to either of them. And both know that if he does know anything, their secret's safe with him.

"This is a joke. I'm cold and tired and I'm seriously craving some of Greg's coffee."

"Just as long as it's only his coffee you're craving." Sara just gave him her famous scowl to which Nick replied with a laugh.

"No, just his coffee. Actually just coffee, coffee, hot shower and a warm bed, in that order please."

"I can provide all three with the best company Vegas can buy." Nick smirked leading the way back to the lab issued SUV.

"Throw in a massage and I just might take you up on the company." Sara threw back as she snatched the keys away from him. "Oh and I have to drive too."

The stupid pop song was playing on the radio again. The one that drove Sara to want to pull all her hair out slowly every time she heard it. And she heard it often. She remembered the last time she heard it. Her and Nick were driving back from the trick crime scene this morning. Sara wanted nothing more than a cup of coffee, a hot shower and sleep. She got everything but the perfect amount of sleep. She complained about the song to Nick the moment it started. He replied by increasing the volume and chuckling. She turned the radio off when he had started singing along.

"Again." Came the amused voice of Nick's from the bedroom doorway. He stood watching Sara struggle to untangle herself enough to reach the other side of the bed to turn the sound off.

"This is not funny. The song is stalking me!"

"Stalking you? Baby it's a song, it can't take on human qualities."

"Shut up! Stalking me!" Sara reached over and slammed the radio's off button so hard to turn the noise off Nick could have sworn she broke the alarm clock. She turned to him then as if noticing him for the first time. "What's up?"

"Big case. Griss is calling in the entire shift. So you should be expecting a call." Sure enough the cell phone Nick held out to her chose that exact moment to start ringing. Sara recognized the song immediately. It was the stupid song.

"Nick! I can't believe you!" Sara snatched her cell phone from him and flipped it open. "Sidle." Sara pulled herself off the bed and began searching for the clothes she wore over this morning all the while listening intently to her boss on the other end. She started slightly when her jeans appeared dangling in front of her face. With an almost silent growl she ripped them away to reveal Nick's smirking face. Sara turned her back on her boyfriend. "Ok bye Griss."

Nick was still smirking but was also now holding up one of Sara's shoes. Dangling it on one of his fingers, watching it swing back and forth. "You know I could be having fun helping you with the clothes hunt. You sit here, I'll go find everything and then you have to give something to me for each article of clothing I find." He dropped the shoe and turned back towards his living room.

"As fun as that would be for both of us, not happening. Besides all the important stuff was in the bedroom. I just need that shoe now." Sara laughed at Nick's look as she grabbed the new shoe he had just picked up from him and slipped it on before heading towards the door. "You coming?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey it's Sara. Leave a message."

"Sar. It's Nicky. Where are you? Griss is starting to worry. We all are actually. Call me." Nick spoke after the beep had sounded. It was the third message he'd left on her voicemail in an hour. He knew for a fact that her home machine was also packed with messages from the rest of the team.

It started with a phone call. Sara had received an urgent call while at the major crime scene earlier that had shook her up a bit. She didn't talk to anyone about it but offered to take all the collected evidence back to the lab, but when everyone else arrived an hour later she was M.I.A. Warrick and Catherine were currently on their way to her apartment but Nick had a feeling that she wasn't there. On a whim he tried his own home number. Pacing as it rang, once, twice and…

"Nicky…" Came Sara's voice in barely a whisper.

"Yeah baby it's me." Nick didn't care that both Greg and Grissom also occupied the room he was in currently, all he cared about was Sara. "Are you ok?"

Silence and a barely audible sigh greeted his ear before a quiet "No" was shared. Sara was fighting a losing battle with tears. Nick could hear it in her voice.

"Ok I'm coming home. Just me. I'm on my way." Flipping his phone closed Nick turned to face Greg and Grissom. "I found her, she's not in any danger. I'm going to go see her. Call Cath and Rick and let them know Sara's not at her apartment. I'll be in touch." Nick left little room for an argument as he immediately turned and left the room.

Nick slammed the car into park in his driveway, his mind solely on Sara. Nothing else registered. The darkness all around him and inside his house didn't faze him, although it should have. He always left at least one light on, always. Tonight, total darkness. The fact that his hand was shaking when he opens the door does penetrate his brain but he pushes it quickly aside.

"Sara?" Along with the total darkness he is also met with sheer silence. "Baby where are you?" Nick moved further into the house, she is there in the living room. Her back is to him but he can see the she's curled up on the couch with the comforter from his bed wrapped tightly around her. Nick made sure to make as little noise as possible as he moved toward the couch. He sat on the coffee table in front of her and waited.

"I'm sorry."

Nick jumped at her voice but recovered quickly. "There's no need to be sorry. I'm glad you're ok."

"I shouldn't have come here." Sara's voice was weak and barely a whisper. "I should have just stayed where I was. Everyone must hate me."

"Sar, no one hates you. Cath is so worried you'd think you were Lindsay. She's concerned. Everyone is. I'm glad you came here. I'm glad you're comfortable enough with us to come here. No one hates you."

"Is Grissom mad?"

Nick was somewhat shocked by her question. "No honey. He's not mad. Just very worried. Why do you think he'd be mad?"

"I took off mid shift and didn't inform anyone."

"You were upset. He understands that. We all do. Honest Sara, it's ok." Nick moved to sit beside her on the couch and immediately she snuggled into his side.

"The phone call earlier was about my past."

Nick didn't ask her to elaborate because with Sara that didn't really work, she told you things at her own pace. She couldn't be pushed to do anything. Nick was curious about her past and hoped that Sara trusted him enough to share it.


	3. Chapter 3

Sara remained silent even as Nick stood up and headed towards the kitchen. She could hear him rummaging through cupboards and then the semi-familiar 'pop' sound. Nick returned a moment later with two glasses and a bottle of white wine. He retook his seat before handing over her glass.

"You don't have to tell me you know. I totally understand."

"How can you understand? I haven't told you anything yet. Besides, you have two loving parents and you had a perfect childhood." Sara snapped back in near anger.

"Show me yours and I'll show you mine." Came Nick's reply. Sara knew right away he wasn't talking about physical scars but the emotional ones.

Silence for almost five minutes before Nick realized Sara wasn't ready to talk so he might as well get his past out in the open.

"I was nine." He stopped and waited till Sara was looking at him. "She was a last minute babysitter. I've never told anyone but Catherine, and that was only after she called me out during a case. But even with Cath, I didn't tell her anything more. I'm going to tell you though."

Sara opened her mouth to say something, but Nick cut in before she could. "No Sara. I want to tell you this."

"Show me yours. I'll show you mine." She spoke quietly before taking a sip of wine. Nick knew she meant it.

"Like I said I was nine. I can't remember the exact reason for the last minute babysitter but I know it had something to do with my oldest sister Natalie. She was supposed to watch me. Well not just me, Becky and me. But for some reason or another she couldn't or maybe she just didn't want to. Nat was a senior in high school, so spending time with a nine-year-old and an eleven-year-old weren't very high on her weekend social calendar. So she called a friend. Can you believe that? One of her closest friends. I never did tell her, to this day she has no idea." Nick paused to refill his glass. Sara's eyes never left his face. He risked a glance. She had a saddened and pained look on her face and as he watched a single tear started it's decent. Nick reached up and quickly wiped it away wondering if it was meant for him or for herself. Pushing the question out his mind he wrapped the blanket tighter around her and pulled her closer.

"I've only told Grissom and like you did with Cath, he only knows the important part. It also happened during a case. Actually it was after Ecklie wanted me fired for fighting with Cath over a case. Griss only knows because I had to tell him to save my job."

"I remember that." Nick whispered.

Sara took a deep breath and even though she was doing everything she could to prevent it, she started to shake. She took a long fast gulp of wine right from the bottle in an attempt to calm herself. "I grew up with parents that acted like they loved each other. When they had witnesses anyway. Truthfully I don't think I was wanted but they were stuck with me you know. The yelling, the fighting. I began to think I was getting the exact same bed in the emergency room I was there so often. I knew many of the nurses by first name. I thought that was normal. One night I found out it wasn't normal is the night I became an orphan of sorts. My mom had finally had enough or maybe it was my dad who had enough and provoked her. I was upstairs hiding in the closet. They were fighting again. I almost always hid when they fought. My closet was my security blanket of sorts. Suddenly I heard my dad scream out in pain and a loud thud, then an almost silence. I crawled out and ran downstairs. At the bottom of our stairs you could see clearly into the kitchen. I watched as my mom stabbed my dad, twenty times. He was already dead. A golf club lay on the floor beside her feet. It was a mess. My mom looked up and saw me standing there. The look that passed over her face scared me. I'll never forget that look. I grabbed the phone and ran back upstairs to my room and back into my closet. I called 911."

"Oh Sara." Nick whispered and again tightened his arm around her. She was still shaking and her tears were now falling freely.

"I don't remember much else after that. I remember the women who took me from the house and I remember watching my mom with no emotion being lead towards a cruiser. I saw my mom a few times after it happened. But when she went to jail I told my foster parents that I didn't want to see her again. To this day I haven't." She paused in yet another attempt to calm down. "The phone call was from my foster mother. She wanted to let me know my mom is up for parole next month."


	4. Chapter 4

It wasn't a hard case. It was almost an open shut case actually. Sara was just having a really hard time keeping the evidence facts straight. Honestly she was having a hard time keeping all facts straight. When Warrick had stopped in to see how things were going she had called him Greg. Not once, but three times. Warrick corrected her the first time but after that just shrugged it off.

"Hey Sara. How's it going?" Catherine called out, poking her head into the room.

Sara turned around and smiled. "Oh good Catherine. Just the person I was about to go looking for. I need your help."

"You realize this is the first time all shift you've gotten anyone's name right."

"What?"

"Oh yeah, Warrick's been Greg all night. And about two hours ago you called Grissom 'Nick' a few times. We've all left you alone since then." Catherine couldn't help but laugh at the look on Sara's face. "Don't worry about it. We've chalked it up to a tough week. It happens."

"Sorry."

"Forget it. Like I said it happens, even to the best of us." Catherine moved fully into the room then and asked, "How can I help?"

"What am I missing?" Sara handed Catherine a photo and then pointed to another on the layout table. "I've been staring at these all evening and I can't figure out the difference, and there is one. But to me they're like carbon copies of each other. I'm starting to…"

"It's the bookcase. Sorry." Catherine apologized for cutting in on Sara's rant. "It's been moved. Only slightly, but moved none the less. And moved closer to your victim. Possible it's hiding something. See here." She placed the pictures side by side on the table. Sara leaned in for a closer look.

"Crap! How did I not notice that? God I feel so stupid."

"Sara, don't beat yourself up over this. It happens when you spend six hours looking at the same thing." Catherine moved a folder over the pictures essentially blocking them from sight. "Let's go Sidle, shift's over. Come on, I'll buy breakfast. Come back in tonight and take a fresh look at it.

"Yeah ok. Breakfast sounds good."

"Good because if you said no I was leaving and sending in the boys to drag you out of here. They're waiting in the locker room. And they are very hungry."  
>Sara had to laugh at that as she packed up all the evidence and locked it safely away. "I'm ready."<p>

Twenty minutes later found the group at their usual diner. Catherine was seated next to Warrick and across from them were Nick and Greg and sandwiched between the pair was Sara. "Guys this isn't working."

"Aw come on Sara. You love it." Greg joked giving her a little nudge with his elbow as he picked up his fork.

"Yeah well I'd love it more if I could move."

"What you not liking the thought of someone else having to feed you this morning Sara." Nick joked waving a piece of his bacon in front of her face. Unfortunately for Nick, Greg had quick reflexes and snatched the bacon away and popped it into his mouth. The table minus Nick and Greg burst into laughter.

"Hey!"

Before Greg could defend his actions Sara's cell phone started to ring. The tune was one of great annoyance. It was the song Sara had finally, one week after she was convinced it was stalking her, managed to get out of her head. As she answered the call she stomped down hard on Nick's left foot that was next to her.

"Ouch!"

"What does Sara have against that song? She never lets it play, but yet she has it as her ring tone." Warrick wondered out loud.

"Yeah I kind of like it. In that it's so annoying its catchy sort of way."

"You would Greg. Guys I'm sorry but I need to go. There's something really important I need to do. I'll see you all tonight. Nick can you let me up?" As Nick moved he and Sara shared a look that thankfully no one else caught. It was one of those 'I'm ok and I'll tell you later' looks. Nick just discreetly nodded and watched her walk away.

Sara was barely out the door before she was back on her cell phone dialing a number. "Hey Grissom, its Sara. Listen I need to take some personal time, just a few days. What? No, I'm fine it's just something I have to deal with. No really. Can I get maybe 4 days? Thanks Griss." She ended the call and quickly dialed another number. "Hi. I'd like to book a seat on the next available flight to San Francisco. Yes I'll hold."


	5. Chapter 5

"Sara! Over here." A voice greeted Sara as she exited the passenger area of the airport. Glancing around her she quickly found the source.

"Thanks for picking me up Lynn."

"Nonsense girl. That's what moms are for." Lynn laughed and hugged her adopted daughter tightly. "Now how are things going in Las Vegas?"

"People never sleep. Crime never sleeps. It's exhausting but I love it. Wouldn't trade it for anything."

"Not even this new boyfriend I keep hearing about?" Lynn laughed as she watched Sara dramatically roll her eyes.

"Nick and I work together so we're around each other a lot. Things are going good. I've even started telling him about my past. That's a step right?"

"Yes dear. It's a big positive step."

"Has he been to see her?" One of Sara's strong suits was changing topics on a dime. Thankfully Lynn knew whom both he and her meant.

"No he's patiently waiting for his baby sister to get home."

"Well then, let's go home." Sara grabbed her bag with one hand and Lynn's hand with the other and headed out of the airport. "I'll show him 'baby sister."

"Why didn't you bring Nick along?" Lynn asked once they were on the road.

"He doesn't know I'm here. We were all having breakfast, my co-workers and I, when you called. They don't know about us. Nick and I, we want to keep it between us for a while yet. I left the diner and called Grissom, my boss, you've met him before. Anyway I called him and got some time off then I booked a flight. Now I'm here. Not much of a chance to tell him."

"Sara Sidle. You call that boyfriend of your and fill him in. He's probably worried sick. Does he know about that part of your past?"

"The running. No he doesn't know about that. I've stopped running mom. Vegas and Nick did that. I feel safe there. The same kind of safe I feel with you and Ryan. That part of my past is just that, my past."

"You don't feel safe with Matt? That's not good."

"I feel safest with Matt. No one else can come close to how safe I feel with Matt. You know that."

"Just checking. Don't want to deflate that ego of his which makes him think he must protect his sister from the world." Lynn laughed loudly after a few moments of silence.

"What's so funny?"

"Oh nothing. I'm just remembering when you and your brother first came to live with Ryan and I. Back when we were just your temporary foster parents. It wasn't long after your mom was admitted. Your social worker had come by to pick you up to go see her. I remember you strongly didn't want to go. You went so far as to crawl under your bed…"

Sara interrupted with a laugh. "Oh yeah I got stuck."

"You did. I remember Matt trying so hard to talk you out after the worker had left and he couldn't figure out why you wouldn't budge. He was seriously worried that something was wrong with you."

"Until I told him I was stuck. Then he couldn't stop laughing."

"Right. He said something to that social worker that day though. He told her that you wouldn't do anything without him because to you he was your anchor. He was right."

"He still is" Sara turned to look out her window as the car made a left turn onto the street that contained the house she now refers to as the home she grew up in. As they drew closer to the house, Sara could see a figure standing in the driveway holding a basketball in both hands, setting up a shot into the basket above the garage. It brought a smile to her face immediately. Before Lynn even had the car into park Sara was out and flying into the now open arms of her older brother. The basketball forgotten mid-flight.

"Hey kid. How was the flight?" Matt inquired after the siblings ended their hug.

Sara bent down and picked up the ball and casually sent it flying through the net before replying. "It was good. I haven't slept yet though."

"Good. That way I can kick your ass at 21. What do you say sis?"

"You're on. But I have to make a phone call first. Give me 5 minutes." Sara didn't wait for a reply and pulled her cell from her pocket. Flipping it open she quickly dialed Nick's number. She counted off 4 rings before she heard him pick up.

"Sara that you?" Well he definitely didn't sound like he had been sleeping.

"Yeah Nicky. Sorry. I'm ok. I'm in San Francisco. There's something wrong with my mother."

"How long are you going to be there? Want me to fly out? Is it something bad?"

"Whoa one question at a time. Grissom gave me 4 days including today. You know I want you here but I don't think Griss will quite go for that, all secrets considering. I don't know anything other than she attacked another inmate than attempted suicide. It's probably nothing. Although she's demanding to see me."

"That doesn't sound very good." Nick started to say something else but was cut off by a huge yawn.

"Baby, go to bed. You have to work tonight. I'm ok really. I'm sorry for not telling you about this before now and I'm sorry that you've been awake almost all day because of it. I'll call you again tonight. Sleep now. Talk later. Love you."

It was obvious to Sara that Nick was extremely tired when his yawn filled reply sounded a lot like, "yuv oo too." Which was quickly followed by the click and dial tone.

Matt dropped her overnight bag next to where she sat on the grass and the ball into her lap and then offered her his hand in assistance to stand. "All good?" When Sara nodded he continued, "Good let's play ball. You start."


	6. Chapter 6

"Who's Nicky Sara?" Matt asked after the pair had finished their first game.

"Matt don't…" Sara began.

"Don't what? All I asked was who this Nicky guy is. It is a guy right?"

Sara threw the basketball at her older brother with so much force Matt was forced to take a step back when it made contact. "God Matt! Yes Nick is a guy. He's a co-worker."

"Do you say I love you to all the people you work with? Oh and did I hear a baby in there somewhere? Please tell me you don't call the people you work with baby. Because, sis, that's just wrong." From the look on Sara's face, Matt was glad he kept hold of the basketball and even gladder his sister didn't have her gun on her.

"He's a co-worker. A fellow CSI. We're equals. We work together a lot. He hasn't been in Vegas much longer than I have. It's only recently that things have heated up between us. The others don't know. Well I think one of them does but he won't say anything. We try, keyword is try, to keep it out of work. That's getting harder. What's it to you anyway?" Sara pressed as she dropped down on the front steps of the patio leading into the house.

"Just doing my job. Someone has to look out for you after all."

"I can look after myself just fine. I'm very well trained." Sara paused and got a sweet look on her face. "You'll like Nick. He's from Texas, he youngest of seven with five older sisters and a brother. And his parents are involved in law."

"Why didn't you bring him along? If you're so convinced I'll like him."

"When mom phoned, my co-workers and I were at our usual diner having breakfast after shift. I couldn't exactly invite him along then and there now could I. I just booked a flight and left."

"Does he know?" Matt finally dropped down on the step below Sara and rested his arm across her knees, giving them a little shake.

"He knows the basics. Last week when I first found out she was up for parole, I shut down at work and disappeared to his place. He showed up and I told him. Not before he started to show me his scars. We shared. I'm just not ready to share it all."

"It takes time. You said he's got scars too. Like ours?"

"No his aren't so bad. The person who hurt him wasn't family. I don't know everything. But I think there's more to what he told me."

"It takes time. Just be there for each other."

"You learn that from Jackie?" Sara laughed referring to her sister-in-law.

"I did actually. I wanted her to know everything. But it took me a while to open up. I think it helped that she's a shrink. Made talking to her easier. Talk to him when you get home. Really talk to him. Just open yourself up and talk. You never know he just might do the same."

"Ok Dr. Sidle, I'll get right on that." Sara could barely get the sentence out due to her own laughter.

"Smartass!" Matt stood and grabbed Sara's hand and pulled her to her feet, before slinging an arm across her shoulders. "Let's go in. Dad's probably dying to see you and mad at me for keeping you out here so long."


	7. Chapter 7

"Hey, where's Sara?"

"That's the question of the night. No one seems to know the answer though." Greg piped up in reply to Catherine's question. Catherine was the last of the shift to arrive in the break room aside from the missing Sara.

Grissom walked into the room and sat down, having heard the conversation he decided to answer Catherine's question. "Sara called me this morning, and asked for some time off. She said she had something to take care of. I didn't ask any questions, not that she gave me an opportunity to ask anything. I believe she said she'd be back in four days."

"So are we paired up for the night or is it just a really slow night?" Warrick inquired noticing that Grissom only had two papers in his hand.

"Don't jinx us Rick. We deserve a slow night." Catherine quipped from his left side.

"We do have a slow night in a sense. Being short a CSI isn't helping though. Nick you're solo tonight. There's something going on at the Tangiers. Brass and Vartan are both on the scene and can fill you in. Warrick, Catherine and Greg, up for a scenic drive? D.B. found out near Lake Mead. Uniforms are on site waiting for you. It's a big one."

"Wait. What are you doing tonight?" Catherine inquired just as Nick's cell phone started to ring in the background.

"Damn that girl." Could barely be heard over the ring tone.

"That song is on your phone now. Jeez man, what did you do to piss off Sara this bad? Haven't I told you not to leave your phone within Sara's reach while working? She does things like that to it."

"Bite me Rick." Nick grabbed his jacket and headed out into the hall at the same time flipping open his cell phone to stop the awful sound. "Thanks a lot babe. Everyone heard that."

"You deserved it." Sara's voice greeted him in a laughing tone. "Payback's a bitch. Remember that Nicky."

"Bite me!"

More laughter from Sara's end of the line before she replied, "More than happy to. But seeing as I'm here and you're not, that will just have to wait. You said the guys heard my call, did I catch you at a bad time or are you able to talk?"

"I'm heading out on a case but I'm yours till I get where I'm going. What's up Sunshine?"

"No, you're always mine. But I'll take what I can get for now. What's your case?"

"Something big at the Tangiers. No information other than that. Apparently both Brass and Vartan are keeping me company tonight though."

"Sounds fun. I'd rather be there then here. Did you sleep?"

"Couple hours. Helped after you called. What about you? Get any sleep?"

"Yeah just woke up actually. My bed is just so damn comfortable. I could just stay here forever. You should join me. Come on Nicky you know you want to." Sara's laughter rang in Nick's ear again and he couldn't help but smile.

"Someone's in a good mood. Are you sure you just woke up?"

"Someone's in a great mood. I beat Matt at basketball within an hour of getting off the plane and then I whopped my dad's butt at chess. All before sleep. Neither of these occurs often. I'm not good at basketball and I'm still a rookie at chess. Then I had a nice 4-hour nap. Yes I'd say I'm good." More laughter.

"No, you're great. Sar, I've got to let you go now. I'm on scene. Do you want me to call you later or what?"

"No. I'll call you in the morning, before Matt and I go see her. Have a safe night. Love you." Before Nick could reply he heard the gentle sound of the dial tone. Shaking his head slightly he exited the truck and headed over to greet Brass.


	8. Chapter 8

Tomorrow was going to be a hard day for not just Sara and Matt, but for their adopted parents as well. Ryan and Lynn had raised the siblings into adulthood and helped them both overcome the nightmare that was their childhoods. They had fought the courts and an extremely unstable mother in order to achieve that. Lynn had on many occasions vocally expressed her anger towards Laura Sidle. Tonight, on a walk with her husband, she was once again doing just that.

"How can she do this to them. After all these years. It's hard enough that she has a chance of being released early, now she has to go and pull this stunt." Lynn was fuming. Ryan, being the supportive husband that he was, knew not to interrupt just yet with his opinion. Not that his opinion differed in any way from his wife's. "Part of me wishes I still had a say on whether or not the kids could see Laura. So much easier back then."

"Think about everything for a second Lynn. Both Matt and Sara are here now. Maybe that means they are ready to face their past. Did either make any indication that they had planned to be at her parole hearing next month?"

"Well, no, but did you really expect them to?"

Ryan stopped his wife from saying anything more with a gentle touch against her arm. "Honey you missed my point. They weren't planning to see her next month when she could be getting released but now that the option's been removed from the table and she's remaining in jail, they are both here. That's their security. The solid proof that she can no longer hurt them can no longer have an effect on their lives. It's a point in their lives that they can face what she did to them and tell her as much with the security of her never getting to do it again."

"So that's why they're here. Ryan, they have to be a little curious as to why. I mean why now, after all these years. She has to know this won't hurt them now as much as it would if they were still kids. That's just common sense. They are adults; they can deal with her now. What does she gain from this? Nothing, from the way I see it. Not a damn thing."

"Personal forgiveness?" Ryan supplied matter-of-factly.

"What!"

"She wants to make peace with the past but before she can do that she must know her flesh and blood forgive her. She learned early on that her flesh and blood no longer want anything to do with her. So she needs to find a way to get them to pay attention. This is her way. We don't like it. Matt and Sara don't like it; they don't want to be here reliving this part of their pasts. They have lives and families and other more important things going on around them. She doesn't know this. She doesn't care about any of that. All she cares about and wants is her children's forgiveness. This just happens to be the only way she knows to get their attention. Again none of us have to like it but it got our attention so in a way she still knows her children."

"I don't want the kids to go through this whole event tomorrow. They don't need to deal with this now. There are more important things they should be worrying about."

"Lynn seriously now. Are you even listening to yourself? Do you know how awful you sound right now? After everything we've been through with both Sara and Matt don't you think…no better yet don't you know that they can handle whatever happens? Remember it's you who they have called Mom for the last nineteen years. It has been you who sat and watched them graduate high school and university. It was you who gave them the reassurance of coming home when they finally moved out into adulthood. I was there but it was all you. You made them believe in the word mom again. Nothing that happens tomorrow can take that away from you. Matt and Sara would never let that happen."


	9. Chapter 9

Part of Laura Sidle was dreading her day and part of her was embracing t with open arms. The dread came from this being the first time in roughly twenty years she had seen her children. Would she even recognize them? Would they know her? Her happiness, as strange as it was, comes from the same reason; seeing her children.

"I don't care what anyone says, they are my kids." Laura spoke quietly to herself as she sat in her cell waiting for a guard.

"Sidle! You ready?" The guard looked none too pleased to be standing outside the cell doors. "Your visitors are being checked in."

"I'm ready." Laura stood quickly and made her way towards the door. She knew the rules so she stopped just shy and waited while the guard slapped handcuffs around her wrists. She didn't mind the part where she couldn't leave her cell unless handcuffed. She just hoped that when she arrived at the visitation room that they would be removed.

The short walk felt like ages for Laura. The room was still empty when they arrived and Laura was disappointed to learn the handcuffs were staying where they were. She wanted to be able to hug her little Sara. She missed the hugs Sara used to love to give her. "Can you take these off?" She asked the guard raising her joined hands for clarification.

"Sorry, your visitors requested that we keep them on. The female was rather insistent on it. Said she's a cop and that she'd feel safer this way."

Laura looked around the scarce room. It contained only a table and three chairs. There were no windows and the only door had a single small window with thick metal bars blocking almost the entire surface.

"I don't want to be here. Let's just make that clear right from the start. Just so we are all on the same page. I do not want to be here right now." The voice that Laura vaguely recognized cut through her thoughts and she looked up from the spot on the table her eyes had drifted to. Sitting across from her were her now grown children. Sara was the owner of the voice and Laura stared at her intently, taking in all the features that so dominantly made Sara her child. Cold and angry brown eyes stared just as intently back at her.

"I'm glad you're here Sara. I've missed you baby girl." The look that crossed Sara's face only intensified the look still in her eyes.

"Don't! You don't have the right to call me that anymore. I am no longer your 'baby girl'. You took that away when you killed him."

"I needed to do it Sara. After all he did. I needed to get away from him." Laura defended, still holding eye contact with Sara.

"You didn't have to kill him." Matt finally contributed to the conversation. He reached over and squeezed his sister's hand as it sat clenched on the table. This was hard on him but he knew this was harder on Sara. He wasn't home that day. She saw things that no child should have to see. And he remembered to this day how what she witnessed had haunted her in the years that followed. He knew it still haunted her. Sometimes it made her job extra hard to handle. It was him she called after every domestic abuse case she handles.

"Yes I did. You don't understand. It was the only way to stop him. I couldn't handle it anymore. I could no longer live with him."

"You could have walked away. Taken Sara and I and left. It would have been easier. We'd still be a family. You'd still be our mom, if only you'd have walked away. Instead look what you did."

"I did it because I love you both so much."

"Love! That wasn't done out of love. What you did to him and to us was done out of pure hatred. You killed him. You left Sara and me without a father or a mother. That isn't love." Matt was getting furious and Sara knew she needed to step in to give her brother a chance to calm down.

"Do you even remember what happened?"

"Of course I do. I'll never forget that day until I die."

"That day haunts me. Every night I dream about it, remember it, relive it in my dreams. It scared me then and sometimes it scares me now. I've almost lost my job over it." Sara paused a moment to regain control of her emotions, she would not let the women across from her see her cry. "The look on your face when you caught me standing on the stairs haunts me the worst. To this day I have never seen a look like that. And I've been witness to a lot of looks over the years." Sara forced herself to momentarily pause again to give Laura a small chance to reply. She didn't take the bait, so Sara pressed on. "How'd you do it anyway? Was he already dead when you began stabbing him, or just knocked out? Did he fight back at all? Did you even give him a chance? Did it bother you that your pre-teen daughter was just up the stairs when you made your choice?"

The whole time Sara asked the questions her eyes never left Laura's face. The CSI in her had kicked in and she was studying the guilty party for any form of remorse. Laura's facial expression never changed, not in the slightest. That hurt Sara more than she cared to admit. It was also her final breaking point. Getting up from her chair she turned her back on the women she once called mom and started for the door. Catching a movement through the window in the door she stopped. Focusing on the person now standing directly opposite her she smiled and turned back to Laura while opening the door at the same time. "You didn't care then and you don't care now. I hate you!" Turning slowly she walked forward right into the open and waiting arms of Nick.


End file.
